You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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