is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
