I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
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The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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