i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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