I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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