I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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