I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
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I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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