sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
