theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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