I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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