take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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