I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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