Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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