if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
