Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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