Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize