Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
