i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
where does the pee come out of this thing
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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