I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
