Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
