I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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