So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize