oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
