A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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