I just cut my nipple shaving
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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