Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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