Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
