i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
