i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
