Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
