And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
