I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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