i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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