dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
