I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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