oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He? As in you personified your dick?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
