I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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