and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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