Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
