Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
