I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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