i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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