hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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