She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
