I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
