i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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