i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
