Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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