WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
