You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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