why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
