Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
