Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize