I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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