I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
