Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
