My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
