so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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