So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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