Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
